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Congratulations on this new chapter in your life! As a psychiatrist, event space owner and self-proclaimed expert bridesmaid, I know that while this is an extremely exciting time, it can also be quite stressful. Even if you are fortunate enough to have all of the support, planning help and finances needed for everything related to having a wedding, there can still be some understandable negative feelings that come up about the day itself, family dynamics, being in a marriage (can’t forget that right?) or plenty of other random surprises that will undoubtedly pop up along the way. Experiencing these feelings is completely normal, and even if you are one of those super Zen brides, it’s important to prioritize time to take care of yourself.

 

It is my hope that you will find some ideas for self-care here that you can put in your literal or figurative recipe card box and use to ground yourself, honor yourself and love yourself during this time. Any transition period can be an opportunity for reflection and growth, and choosing to lean into that discomfort and appreciate the experience is a first step toward managing expectations and maintaining a calm mind. The other big thing to remember is that despite having the most expert planning team (including you of course!), something will undoubtedly go wrong! So, sit back, relax and just enjoy the ride, knowing that your “perfect” day is tying the knot with your partner despite everything else going on around you. And that perfect day is just the beginning of the rest of your lives together.

 

That said, here are some tips to keep in mind during this process. Incorporate them into your daily routine, and practice even when you are not stressed, so that you can remember to use them when you are.

 

 

• Choose the right people to help you. When choosing vendors, especially your planner, really take time to vet them through word of mouth, reviews, consultations etc. to make sure you are both a good fit for each other. As I’m sure has been discussed elsewhere in this book, this will save you a ton of headaches in the future. Your bridal party should also be carefully selected! Your best friend from elementary school that you haven’t talked to in 10 years, who expects to be in your party, even though they barely have enough time for themselves may not be the best idea. Consider those that you are closest to, but also who can realistically serve whatever duties you are expecting of them. Have honest conversations with those persons, and if it’s not a good fit, that’s ok! (Though if you find that no one is willing to complete the tasks that you request, this is another time for some self-reflection).
• Ask for help! Black women tend to be super heroes 24/7, and put everyone else before ourselves. Firstly, stop doing that. Even after the wedding! It’s ok to prioritize yourself for once. So enlist your planner, your bridal party, and anyone else in your support system to take some of the tasks and stress away from you! This also means that if you are struggling and don’t have a therapist already, this is a good time to consider getting one for added support. It could be less expensive than that personal trainer you hired (both can be helpful of course)! Take the chance to vent to a neutral party, while also gaining perspective from an outside source.
• It’s ok to not be totally excited about your wedding all of the time. This is a time to give yourself some grace, and hopefully do other things outside of wedding planning to keep balance in your life. Don’t forget that you are still human, and you aren’t just planning a party. After the cake is cut and the honeymoon is over, real life is still there, so take this time to consider how your life, potentially including your identity, may or may not be shifting.
• Don’t forget to date! Work to stay connected with your partner and other loved ones. Close this planner and go out! Take some time at least once a week to not talk about wedding plans, romance each other and enjoy the intimacy that has brought you to this point.
• Practice gratitude. Take a quiet moment each day, perhaps when you wake, to consider some of the things that you are grateful for. Big or small, wedding-related or not, focusing on these positive things will help the negative things not seem as important.
• Make a schedule (and stick to it). Keeping a routine throughout each day will not only help you stay organized, but also help you to participate in self-care activities regularly. In addition to starting your day with a grateful heart, you may decide to meditate or enjoy some music while getting dressed to clear your mind. Set a reminder on your phone to get up and move your body if you are prone to sitting often. If your day involves being on your feet for long periods of time, take breaks to sit and relax when you can. Don’t forget to eat! I know you may be trying to drop a few pounds sis but getting in at least three well-balanced meals is critical in keeping up your energy, mood. Try to lay down at the same time each day to go to sleep (yup, even weekends)!
• Get good sleep. Your mood and energy are so intimately tied to your sleep and getting a good night’s rest is essential to being able to manage stress (no bridezillas over here). Make a sleep routine that works for you, whether that includes taking a warm bath, drinking some chamomile tea, or even listening to a sleep story. Try to decrease caffeine as much as possible, especially too close to your bedtime. Avoid sleeping during the day. Try to get some activity in, even going for a short walk (instead of that nap)!
• Only focus on what you have control of. Life is still happening despite your wedding date. Know that everything may not go according to plan, and that’s ok. Everyone won’t be as excited about the day as you, and that’s also ok. Keep in mind that you cannot change anyone else’s behavior, or their view point. Let that go and focus on your future.
• Practical ideas:
  • Try meditation or mindfulness using an app like Headspace, Insight Timer or Calm. These practices as well as things like progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing help you to calm down your “fight or flight” system and distract yourself from negative thoughts and feelings.
  • Limit your social media and news intake. Turn off those notifications and call a friend or practice yoga instead!
  • Find a therapist via your insurance company, psychologytoday.com or sites that are focused on BIPOC persons:
  • Try an online support group: see nami.org for options
  • Get fresh air if you can do so safely
  • Tackle that to do list! Take small steps to get things done and/or delegate
  • Practice self-care, whether that’s a spa day, just being kind to yourself, or taking a day off

 

• Harvest peace: being peaceful, happy and in love in your Black body is something to hold tight to. Enjoy those quiet moments, perhaps considering journaling so you can look back out how that felt, and always strive to return to that place.
• Get out of the house: Direct morning sunlight is most helpful for the mood, but get outside when you can, whether it’s for a walk, picnic or just going for a drive.
• Take each day as it comes. Make the most of each day, even if you aren’t able to do everything you would like to do. Do what you can.
• Pay attention to the little things in life. The rain helps us appreciate the sunshine. Those bad days are bound to show up, but use the coping skills that you have to manage them. If you can’t manage them on your own, you have trouble functioning, or the bad days far outweigh the good, consider seeking professional help.
• Remember that you are not alone. Reach out to your support system and your team of providers, including any mental health professional when feeling overwhelmed.

Contact a crisis center if you are someone you know if having thoughts of hurting themselves. Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255)

Alexis Hammond, MD PhD

Psychiatrist @DrShrinkage on Instagram, @DrAlexisHammond on Twitter

Location Rental Business Owner @cityjewelsrentals on Instagram