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Congratulations!  As a South Asian woman, psychiatrist, and wife, I know what it is like to plan the ultimate South Asian wedding!  As we know, the South Asian diaspora contains so many different countries, cultures, religions, and family traditions.  We can be a common thread among all of these is the number of varied events and the expectations placed upon you by family and friends.  Also, the wedding industry for South Asians is so huge, so there can be pressure to have picture perfect events that are the ideal for your community and special touches that are better than anyone has ever seen.  

All of the above can create feelings of both excitement and anxiety for you.  This is a common feeling, and something to keep in mind is that excitement and anxiety often go hand in hand with each other.  It’s our brain’s way of telling us that something is coming our way, so let’s get prepared for it.  As you think about all the various ideas and ceremonies that you will have, it is important to center yourself and your wishes at the forefront.  This may seem counterintuitive to general South Asians as our cultures tend to focus on the needs and wants of others above ourselves.  So, how do we create a sense of balance?

1. Choose what is actually important to you and your family.  It can sometimes feel like you have to do everything.  Every ceremony.  Invite every person you have ever known or don’t even know.  Have every type of food, etc.  This is exhausting and impossible.  Instead, think about what actually matters to you and your family, and choose those.  You will not make every person happy, so why not make yourself happy as the priority.  
2. Choose who you can talk to.  It’s important to have support as you are navigating all of this.  We are not supposed to shoulder all the burden ourselves, so take time to connect with your friends and support people and talk about things other than the wedding.  While it can seem like the wedding is all encompassing, it’s important to remember that your life is about more than just the wedding.  
3. Choose how you want to be present.  We can easily get lost in all the details and feel responsible for taking care of everything and everyone.  If you are able, find ways to offload responsibilities by using a planner or asking your community to pitch in.  While things may not be exactly how you envisioned, it will still be great and does not have to be perfect.  
4. Choose who matters to you.  This may seem harsh, but not everyone needs to be at everything.  Our culture often is more inclusive, and while this is lovely, it does not mean that the Auntie your family lived near 15 years ago and haven’t talked to since has to be present at all the events.  Nor does she need to be invited to anything.  We often can feel the pressure of what others in our community will think, but what truly matters is what you think and what works best for you.  
5. Choose how you honor your body.  We can often face pressure to look a certain way and be in a certain body.  We know the gossip that happens about weight and body size and the comments that are made both to our faces and behind our backs.  This can be demoralizing.  Another way to think about this is to focus on whether or not these statements matter to you.  In the grand scheme of things, people are going to have their own opinions, and that is their business.  Whether or not those opinions impact you is what you have control over.  

I hope that this has been helpful for you as you navigate through this time.  The goal with this advice is to guide you as you make choices for yourself.  That may seem the opposite of what we may have been taught growing up, and that by choosing yourself, you are turning your back on the wants and needs of others.  This couldn’t be farther from the truth.  By determining what works best for you and putting boundaries in place, you are honoring yourself and showing respect for yourself.  That is the key now and for the married life that you have ahead.  

Neeru Bakshi, MD, FAPA is a board certified adult psychiatrist and currently serves as a psychiatrist for Headspace. 

Instagram: @neerubakshimd